Based on "Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation" by Olivia Judson: www.drtatiana.com


It’s all about sex
It’s all about sex

Some people say my obsession with biodiversity
Is a sign of perversity, but I find that it nurtures me
Maybe it’s twisted, but I won’t give a lady a minute
Unless she’s a Batesian mimic, does that make me a cynic?
I’m into animal role-play, but fuck a barnyard
I want some praying mantis open-mandible cannibal foreplay
So read Dr. Tatiana if you need the basics
She’s deeper than the fuzzies you find creepin’ on craigslist
Plus she’s got a message board, full of insectivores
Who are just itchin’ for it – she’s like a sex thesaurus
I met a crab spider who was keen on finding a mate
Her turn-ons included binding and trying to escape
I met a gold-digger who told me fame was her weakness
So I paid her like a cockroach, with anal secretions
Yeah, I’m nasty as I wanna be, jerkin’ off in front of females
Like juvenile marine iguanas on the beach
‘Cause I’m packin’ a eight-inch corkscrew, I’m a great fuck
I wanna spin it in like an Argentinian lake duck
Yeah, when natural selection reckons your sex practice
The best action is always found in the mismatches

Let’s make love like animals
I think you know what I’m talkin’ about
Let’s make love exactly like other animals
Get your zoology textbook out

This one girl was quite freakish, I wasn’t squeamish
But we simply couldn’t fit it in - we tried to squeeze it
But she had a six-inch long clitoris like a hyena’s
And I had a spiky inflatable damselfly penis
Ah, skip the spider’s kiss of death
Just give me ten consecutive weeks of sex like stick insects
I make solid sperm plugs to try to block girls
But I hate when they pull it out and eat it like fox squirrels
Those are precious resources, I’m really concerned
Humans only bust a couple of hundred million sperm
So we start to get depleted after the third shag
Octopus have ten billion in a massive sperm bag
And they die when they deposit it, that’s just one way
Nature might try to persuade a guy to stay monogamous
But we must have missed something compared to our chimp cousins
‘Cause those chicks’ll hit a dozen different studs and just love it
So I feel like I’m overdressed for bonobo sex
All I need is a swollen vulva and a vocal “Yes!”
No? Okay, instead I’ll marry my soul-mate
‘Til death do us part, the prairie vole way

Let’s make love like animals
It’s been happening since the stone age
Let’s make love exactly like other animals
Open up that wikipedia page

Let’s make love like angler fish
It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it
You use your highly developed olfactory sense
To swim towards me for several days
And then you bite me
And that releases an enzyme
That dissolves your face and your bones and your fins
Leaving only a pair of genitals attached
To the side of my body
For me to use when it’s convenient


from The Rap Guide to Evolution Revised, released June 26, 2011
Dr. Tatiana
Featuring Helen Arney
H. Arney, D. Brinkman, J. Simmonds
Ukulele: Helen Arney


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Baba Brinkman New York, New York

Science rapper and inventor of several novel hip-hop variants. Canadian transplant to New York. Pathological optimist.

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